What I've Lost < What I've Gained

It's hard to believe a year has already passed. I am struggling with writing this because I thought I would be so much more excited about where I would be at the end of my first year, but it's not at all what I thought it would be like. 

I know that this blog puts aspects of my life on display that wouldn't fit into a 280 character tweet or a minute long story on Instagram or Facebook. This one encompasses a lot of information because I made a commitment to myself that in starting this, I would be as transparent as possible in hopes that what I'm doing and going through may help someone else. 

Last July when I made the choice to put myself first and focus on becoming a healthier version of me, I was focused on losing. I just wanted to lose weight. I wanted to stop taking medicines for medical issues that I could control. This is the focal point the reality in which I am living in. 

Or at least it was.

In 365 days, I have lost weight. I have lost inches off of my body. That's what I wanted, right? Who knew that I would also lose more than I asked for in the process? 

While some of these losses deserve to be celebrated, others have knocked the breath out of me and have left me wondering how to even pick up the pieces and start moving forward from that moment. It's typical to have plans for yourself and your future, letting these motivations drive you forward, but what happens when all of that changes? Bear with me here, but it's like watching sand slide through your fingers at the beach and back down to your feet. There are still a few tiny grains of sand left stuck to your palm and in between your fingers, even though the bulk of it has slipped away. These tiny pieces of sand that you can't shake are like the remnants of these dreams you had for yourself; still visible, not easily removed, but nothing like it used to be. 

People change. Goals change. The world stops moving for no one.

Reflecting on what this past year has taken has shown me that what I have gained is so much more important. Here are just a few takeaways from this:

• I lost 50 pounds and 21.5 inches off of my body in various places.
• I've gained more confidence because I feel more comfortable in my skin and my ability to do whatever I set my mind to. (Lord, help us all here as if I didn't have enough already. HA!) 
• I've also gained the ability to discipline myself and found the strength to keep going, even when I haven't always wanted to. (You're stronger than you think - don't let yourself get in your head! Easier said than done, I know. I'm the world's worst about getting in my head.)

• I lost 3 pant sizes and 2 shirt sizes.
• I've gained way too many clothes. Seriously, I have 3 out of 4 closets in our house jam packed and a tub full of stuff that's listed on Poshmark. It's a good problem to have, but I don't know what to do with them all. 

• I lost my patience and my cool, on both people and in situations. 
• I've gained perspective and now have a better understanding of how choices affect all parties involved, not just myself. I've learned that I'm reactionary at times, and often dwell on situations that I have no control over. Self-growth relies heavily on reflection, which is not always an easy thing to visit at times. However, it's always worth it. 
• I've learned that this isn't just a physical journey for me, but a mental ride as well. 

• I lost motivation a time or two, made excuses, and have wallowed in laziness. 
• I've gained the ability to forgive myself; A bad day or two, hell even a bad WEEK or two, will not undo months of progress if you just keep going. Pick up where you left off and don't look back.

• I lost what was once my person. 
• I gained myself in the process. 

I think Ferris Bueller said it best when he said, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." 

It's easy to focus on what you've lost and the changes you need to make in order to keep up when everything around you feels like it's flying by. Slow down. Adapt. Keep going. Just think of the GAINS you're about to have once you readjust!

That's what I plan to do: keep pushing forward. Day by day. Little by little. What I've lost this year is far less than what I've gained, both mentally and physically. A huge thank you goes out to everyone that has supported me through this first year. It hasn't been anywhere close to easy, but all of this has absolutely been worth it.

Here's to the start of year two! 

Taylor